Boyce Johnson's Famous "Dudes" Letter of 1989

Boyce Johnson's Famous "Dudes" Letter of 1989
Posted by: paulisle.

The year was 1989. Dudes lived in a house together in Madison. Dudes left dudes notes sometimes. Dudes abided.

Light the Key?

Light the Key?
Posted by: paulisle.

Texas Toast

Texas Toast
Posted by: paulisle.

An interesting study of the Texas Toast charge is that folks seldom question it. Does Texas Toast have more bread-per-square-inch than a normal hamburger bun? Have you ever experienced an establishment charging you extra for a toasted bun? No, nor have I (though there may be the random incidence). And to the French's credit, I'm pretty sure that Texas Toast charges preceded the extra charge for French Fries that we've come to accept as normal these days. But, now we get it from both sides! The French want extra and so do the Texans and here we are stuck in the middle just wanting a simple all-inclusive meal. I don't know. I think we give Texas Toast too much extra credit ... if the same piece of thick-cut bread from New Jersey was used, do you think anyone would pay an extra $.75 for a couple slices of New Jersey Toast? I think not. Do you think they charge extra for Texas Toast in Fort Worth? I doubt it. When I take into consideration the amount of "tax-relief" I have received over the past 4 years, though, I find that I now can go on a Texas-style Texas Toast bender and scoff at the extra $.75 for some Texas Toast. Life is good, no?

Next topic: Extra charge ($1) for ice in a cocktail (probably stemming from water-shortages in California or something -- that's my guess ... could be wrong on that one). In the Land of 10,000 Lakes, an extra charge for ice is akin to an extra charge for Texas Toast in the Iraqi desert (okay, that was lame, but that's my damn point!).

This Just In! Halliburton subsidiary KBR draws suspicion from $6 million extra charge to US military for Texas Toast! (details to follow)

Poem Analysis #1

The Punishment Which Fits the Crime
By Paul Isle

Maul the foot of yonder swan
Beyond toot of fan-bon-bon

For habble-han and regal toe
For hose-kink and horn do blow

Alas the lass of fondletard
Whisping sher ointment lar and lar


Analysis by Paul "Old Straw Hair" Horton:

Let me see if I get this right.
 
"The Punishment Which Fits the Crime"  - a crime to be dealt with and a punishment which is fitting to that crime -- perhaps a similar act within the punishment ... one which resembles an act within the crime? Yes, indeed. Must be so. This is a perfect poetic item for it is imaginative and as you would say "saucy".
 
"Maul the foot of yonder swan": Perhaps the swan, a beautiful creature (a creature one would not necessarily associate with mauling, or even feet for that matter) ... perhaps that swan, though its true beauty, its essence (which does not include the feet) shall be spared for some reason (something having to do with the crime maybe), its foot, ITS FOOT will be mauled!!!

Is the swan a criminal? AND, the swan is off in the distance. We are watching it from afar judging its fate. "Beyond toot of fan-bon-bon": Not only are we watching the swan in the distance, "toot of fan-bon-bon" seems to linger before us, mysteriously, almost egging us on, seeming to say: "what am I"?  or "why no capital letters in my description"?
 
"For habble-han" (Hand? Swans have no hands!!!!), "and regal toe" (ahh, yes).
"For hose-kink" (impotence) "and horn do blow" (as opposed to horn don't blow; a very common sexual paroxism) -- no idea even further --- CONFUSION GROWS --- Is the mauling the punishment or is it the confusion???
 
"Alas the lass of fondletard"
"Whisping sher ointment lar and lar": Only thing I can think of on this is retarded pirate-fondler bearing ointment.
 
Only other thing I can think of is that this poem describes someone who committed a crime of passion or perhaps of carnal sin and is not going to have its figure marred but instead its means of locomotion will be damaged, as God so often does to those who go beyond toot of fan-bon-bon.  A good example would be the story of the swan in this story.  Another good example might be Pee-Wee Herman.

Rebels Rule Petting Zoo

Rebels Rule Petting Zoo
Posted by: paulisle.

The Plural Form of Bundt

A quest for the perfect bundt? No, it's really more like the search for the plural form of bundt --- I think many a bundt is simply "bundt". If there were four or five cakes lined up before me, I would probably say, "Now there's a grouping of fine bundt". It gets deeper (with research done by Paul "Old Straw Hair" Horton):

"The plural form of 'bundt', according to the New Fangled Webster's Dictionary is: "a Whiffptle" (pronounced wiffle) and is defined as "more than one bundt". I find it interesting that even Websters refuses the 's' and even goes so far as to say a bundt (cake, I assume) is usually a solitary traveller, though on occassion a whiffptle will gather. If the leader is killed, the other bundt members (cakes, i presume) usually die shortly afterwards. Groups of Whiffptles, known as Doppleplays are akin to the Ramora fish and will usually find themselves amidst elderly women (as opposed to sharks, I gather). Do not by any means tease a bundt. One sure warning sign of agression is a marked change in color, from irredescent blue to a pulsating, glowing blood-red on the forehead."